Word wings it way to me via the fabulous Kellie and Angie at Clarity Communications that someone has created the ‘consultant to end all consultant’ website.
Here’s just some of the gems of copy you can find on huhcorp‘s immensely impressive website:
We charge so much for our design and marketing services because we can. Because you’ll pay it.
Welcome to the world’s most dynamic eBusiness marketing, design and consulting agency. We provide distinct clients with groundbreaking business strategies and cutting-edge designs to aggressively and creatively compete in a changing economy.
Our consulting ideas will entice and excite you. Our professional design solutions will give you the confidence to succeed. And our web site will make you think we know what we’re doing.
And now our cutting edge consulting and design solutions include New Web 2.0 Technology™. That means we’re not only better than everyone else, but smarter too.
Our name will confuse you, but, you have to admit, the logo design is pretty cool. That’s because it was designed with New Web 2.0 Technology™ and the New Web 2.0 Shiny Table-Top Thing™. And we’re good at turning regular words into “eWords,” such as “eBusiness” or “eSexual harassment.”
We have really smart people who are always thinking up totally cool shit. We have a meeting room with a big, round, expensive table. When you hire us for marketing and consulting projects, we spend lots of time sitting around the table having meetings.
Our female staff members are all hot, so, even if there’s nothing to meet about, we’ll sit and flirt with them, and charge you for the time. When one of our new-age marketing gurus or design experts or consultants has an idea, the rest of us look at him or her with serious expressions and write stuff down on paper.
Most consulting companies just provide regular marketing solutions. Not us. We provide groundbreaking solutions. Our marketing solutions are newer than anyone else’s, and they sound better because we give them cool titles like “Global Awareness Paradigms,” and “Market Consciousness Philosophies,” and “Creative Product Re-development Support.”
When we deliver your new designs and business strategies to you, they’ll be in really snazzy binders that look nice sitting on big, round meeting tables, so you’ll think you got your money’s worth. When your project has been completed, we’ll give you several follow-up phone calls to give the appearance that we even remember who you are or what we sold you.
And on and on it goes. Absolutely mind-numbingly brilliant!
But wait, there’s more!
There is also duhcorp – a tech-guru site dedicated to helping you spend bucket loads of dosh on IT geek services:
Does your PHP network have double back-end XHTML redundancy? Is your PDA hard drive triple access enabled for Wi-Fi management? If you don’t have end-point security in your adaptive architecture strategy, then you need us.
The world of technology is constantly changing. It probably seems like every day something new and confusing happens that you need to pay someone to fix or control. We’re responsible for that. We do technology, and we intentionally make it difficult for people like you. That’s how we make money. We make money because you’re not smart.
That’s pretty much it. It’s really easy too. When you hire us, we’ll do our best to confuse you by saying stuff like “You need more double back-end XML nodes on your server stack or the whole system is gonna crash.” And the only part you understand is “crash,” which basically means “your shit’s gonna be messed up.” So you pay us. Because you don’t want your shit to be messed up. No one does. Not anyone who’s smart anyway.
Our services include:
Double back-end network XML monitoring
WLAN Firewall drive redundancy support
Centralized TCP/IP XHTML hosting
Mobile ping deployment SEO compliance
Database UNIX leveraging for OpenLDAPBasically, if you don’t know what it means, we do it. So hire us. Because you’re not smart. And you need us.
Pure genius!
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